Saturday, January 26, 2019

Dean's Sacrifice

He sat at the smoking section with fellow co-workers. Listening to their conversations about work and life. He watched as the cars came in the gate, and when her’s pulled in his heart rate climbed a little. He had promised himself he would not be weird about it, so he did not watch her as she pulled into a parking space. He didn’t see the truck that came in behind her and block her in her spot, nor the angry man who got out of the truck and began walking toward her car.

Dean had been working at the plant for three months now. He was a little older than most of the people he worked directly with. Infact, he was twelve years older than she was. He had served in the Army twenty-five years before, she had only been eight years old when he ran into battle as a twenty year old sergeant. He had been wounded and lost a man under his command. This had affected him every since.

Dean had tried to commit suicide, almost successfully, three weeks prior to getting the job at the plant. He had spent two weeks in the VA Hospital, and even was able to get the plant job thanks to help from the VA. He also had begun a regiment of new medications to help with his PTSD, Depression, and Anxiety.

When Dean first met her, she scared him. Honestly, Dean hadn’t liked her very much because he found her to be intimidating. It wasn’t long before he realized why she was this way.

She was strong, smart, intriguing, and beautiful. She had been knocked down hard in life but was back on her feet. Doing what she needed to do to care for her two children, which were the center of her world. She was the hardest worker he had ever seen in his life.

He had lived his life since leaving the Army but had not gotten back up on his feat. Dean had been defeated on the battlefield, and never really tried again. Until he saw her. She had sparked an interest in him nobody had been able to do before. She had shown him it was ok, to get knocked down. Yet it was detrimental to get back up. That was what he had been doing for the past few months. Getting his life back in order.

He had also fallen for her. Something that scared him. He tried to tell her, in such a way which he was sure had scared her off. She had made it known to him, not actually in words, but in actions, she wasn’t interested. While it did hurt, Dean was ok with it because he knew you couldn’t force someone to love you. He wasn’t, however, willing to leave her unprotected. While only at work, he stood ready to defend her from anything.

That is why when the angry man began yelling at her in the parking lot, Dean noticed. He stood up from his seat and watched for a few seconds. The conversations continued in the smoking section without notice to his stance.

Dean watched the angry man pull a pistol from his jacket pocket. He took of running and jumped over the waist high brick wall surrounding the smoking section. This of course got the attention of everyone else. Followed by a gunshot into her windshield which caused every other coworker to notice the argument in the parking lot. She screamed and other men from the smoking section began running to the scene as well.

Deans proximity to the angry man was closing fast as he moved at top speed. Dean was still unsure who the man was or why the argument was taking place but knew there was a threat nonetheless. The angry man pointed the weapon at her, and she fell to the ground in fear. Dean leaped through the air grabbing the man at his neck with his left hand. Catching his ribcage with his left knee, Dean was determined to take the man to the ground. The pistol fired again. Dean was afraid he had not arrived in time.

Dean and the angry man hit the pavement with tremendous force and slid a couple of feet before stopping. The pistol had been knocked from the angry mans hand and bounced a good distance further away. Dean pounded the angry mans head against the pavement three times with a rage he could only remember from the battlefield. It was then he realized that he did in fact take the second round from the pistol. The pain to his abdomen was intense. His shirt and jacket were red and his blood was already pooling on the pavement.

Other workers had scooped her up and took her to the break room just inside the building to remove her from harm's way. She had told them the angry man was her ex-husband but she never thought he would have ever followed her to work. She couldn’t believe this was happening.

A younger worker whom Dean liked came to him and asked if he was ok. Dean couldn’t hide the fact he had been mortally wounded. Dean insisted, everything was going to be ok, as long as the other worker promised to tell her she was a good woman. The police arrived and cleared the scene and allowed EMS to come in, yet Dean was already gone.

The younger worker went into the breakroom and stood in front of her while EMS checked her out. He told her, Dean was gone, and the last thing he wanted, was for her to know, She was a Good Woman.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

My Fate is already Written

This simple fact has been apparent to me for some time now. Yet, the longer I talk to friends and expose more of my life to them, I am filled with their false hopes that maybe I am wrong. It is not that they are mean, cold hearted, or out to get me. It is just that they do not understand what I understand. They don't want to see me sad or unhappy, or have my feelings hurt. I can understand this, nobody really wants to see people they care about in this light. However, my pain, heartbreak, and sins happened a very long time ago. Before any of them knew me. Since then I have lived a good life. The life of a public servant, tried to be a good Husband, Father, Step-father, and these are the things they see when they tell me that life will be OK.

They don't see the reality of the one day, which I am paying for with the rest of my life. The one day which was filled with so much pain, sorrow, anger and rage. They don't see the toll it took on Human life that day. They can't see what I saw or feel what I felt, and I have no way of actually explaining this to them. While here recently, I have been able to begin to release some of this bottled up emotions from that day, we all will have to pay for our sins no matter what. There will be a day of reckoning for every action and word we have made. Sometimes the price is so great, it begins before you stand before the throne.

All I ever wanted was Love. Honestly, as simple as that may sound, it is ALL I ever wanted. Yet I was not patient enough to wait on God's plan for me. I ran out and jumped at every chance I could get. Long before I was ready for it. For this I have 3 failed marriages, and a 23 year old daughter who barley knows me. If you don't think there is a price for disobeying God, then you are so wrong my friend.

I never expected to live this long. I am 45 years old and most likely still have a long life ahead of me. Yet, I am doomed to walk it alone. For now I am ready for love, I have a complete understanding of what ultimate love is. I understand what committing to one person means and what it should be like. However, for my past transgressions against God's will, I will never be able to have it.

Think about Moses, who led God's people to the promised land. Yet, because of his transgressions against God, he could not enter the land promised to him. I now, accept my fate. I know now what it is, and I know now it is something I will never have.

I have good friends, but they can not pay the price for me. Nor, will they understand the price I must pay. This is my cross to bear.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Who am I supposed to be?

I woke up this morning to the stark realisation of not knowing who I am. Now, I am not talking about amnesia, I still know what my name is, where I live and work and all that good stuff. What I mean is who I’m supposed to be. What I stand for, What I’m meant for, you know, who I’m supposed to be.
    I lived a very violent childhood, and learned early to close off my emotions. Which really helped in a traumatic military service. Leading me to be addicted to the adrenaline rushes. This continued into my civilian life with voluntary firefighting and working as a Texas Prison Correctional Officer. The first part of my life I stood in the face of death and laughed many times. This of course is attainable by the complete closure of your emotions. If any emotion is able to slip out, your dead.
    After the end of my third marriage i lived almost ten years alone, most of them fine and dandy, still held firm by the ability of not dealing with my emotions. However, for the past few years, I have been experiencing some issues. Emotional issues, it seems the crate which I have kept them locked up in for so long has began to deteriorate some, allowing for some to leak out. The problem being I have not used or even considered them in so long, I don’t know what to do with them. I can’t recognize the difference between them, and I can’t find a way to shut them off.
    One thing I do know about myself is that even from a young age, I always wanted to be the Hero that saved everyone. This longing is probably what led me into the majority of the dangerous situations I faced throughout my life. I was the one who wanted to be the Hero, yet it always ended up being someone else beside me taking that job. Some, not even wanting it, just the way things worked out. Of course they are dead and gone now, where I always seen myself being but here I am, all these years later. Now, with emotions flooding back that I can’t seem to handle.
    I want people to know me, who I am, what I stand for, what I love, I want someone to really know me. Yet, I don’t know myself. How am I supposed to achieve a goal of real Love if I don’t know who I am to begin with? The clock is ticking and I know I am running out of time. Honestly, I am sure I am out of time to complete that mission. It just makes me really sad to know the ONLY thing I ever really wanted in life will continue to be just out of my reach, and I am the one who caused it.